Was Coming Out to My Parents Worth It?

My mind is SPINNING. I do not know how to handle my mom anymore. I do nothing but try my best in all that I do only to find myself finally falling in love and paying the price. Was coming out to my parents earlier this year worth it? I’m not so sure. Prior to coming out, everything seemed peachy-keen. I rarely fought with my parents and as far as they were concerned, everything was A-OK. Sure, I felt guilty because I knew I was hiding part of my identity from them but it didn’t feel like a significant part of my life yet so I didn’t mind keeping it to myself for some time.

When I realized I was only making things harder on myself by delaying coming out, I made the decision to speak out. After telling my parents the truth about me being gay, things escalated but simmered back down once I had gone back to college.

It wasn’t until I FINALLY started dating a guy five weeks ago that I’m finally seeing my own mom’s true colors.

My parents and I jive pretty well. I rarely give them any reason to be mad at me so I’m used to us coexisting and living together well. Growing up, I made sure to play by their rules, always making sure to respect myself, and treat those around me how I’d want to be treated. For no reason other than that it felt like the right thing to do.

Looking back on my life, I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished so far and I’m satisfied with where I stand today. I have flaws just like anyone else but I’ve learned to always look for the silver lining in the situations I find myself in. However, this is one point in my life where I’m at a TOTAL loss. Quite honestly, I think it kind of sucks that I’m in my first relationship – basically at the age 19 – SOPHOMORE YEAR OF COLLEGE – (friends having been dating for YEARS) and I’m still getting heat from my mom just because my special someone happens to be a guy and not a girl.

Dating was never much of a priority for me. It always felt like something I wanted to put off since I knew it would be so stressful and complicated once I finally started. In fact, my parents wanted me to date (a girl, of course) and would encourage me to but I still refused mostly because I had other priorities at the stage of my life I was at. Even during my freshman year of college, I stayed focused as I didn’t want to get caught up in anything that could make me lose sight of what I felt I was ultimately working towards. Goals are goals and they become meaningless once you lose sight of them.

Now here I am. I’ve finally found a guy I REALLY like and I’m putting up with so much from my mom. (I KNOW SHE MEANS WELL… and I love her…. but I am so UPSET over how this is unfolding.) My dad and my sister are cool with everything so there’s no problem there but I really can’t operate or function properly if I know my own mom disapproves of my life. Just the other night, she seriously entertained the possibility of having me move out because she doesn’t want to “see it.” She literally said (and I don’t know if this makes sense) “Seeing you is making it harder and harder for me to stay in denial.” Like what? Are you kidding me..?

So everything I’ve ever done up to this point doesn’t matter now? One decision she doesn’t agree with and it’s easier to just cut me out of your life? What the fuck kind of society do we live in that we’ve created such a toxic position on such a matter. I really hope this doesn’t foreshadow my future.

how I feel

The stuff I’ve been putting up with. I used to love being home but these past few weeks have been so devastating. (Good thing I AM moving out and going back to Rutgers soon.)

I’m not trying to be rebellious. I’m certainly not trying to upset anyone. I’m just doing what feels right.

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18 Comments

  1. If we all went on what “feels” right there would be a lot more mistakes made. It means that going on just “feeling” is not enough to guide us between right and wrong. Wrong most of the time feels better then doing what it is right. I can understand where you’re mom is coming from, seeing how I don’t agree with homosexuality, BUT… I have been disowned from my own mother just because I am different then her. I know your situation of being rejected. My mother rejects me because of who I am and her own insecurities. God’s biggest teaching to me personally isn’t about telling others what is right and wrong but it is about love. Being loving, forgiving and understanding to all just as Jesus is to me. I don’t know if you believe in Jesus or not but that plays a huge part into how your life’s scope is directed and what gives a person that right vs wrong guidance.

    1. I’m sorry to hear that you went through something very similar. Just because I’m curious, I’m going to pose a question to you that I’m curious to hear your take on. You certainly don’t have to respond but I’d appreciate if you did! Taking into consideration the fact that you don’t agree with homosexuality, what exactly would you expect me to do next? Would you really want me to break up with the one guy who has somehow made me even happier than I already was only to marry a woman who I couldn’t procreate with anyway since I’m physically/mentally incapable of thinking/looking at women in such a way?

      We’d likely end up getting a divorce and that’s only causing more emotional and financial strain on both parties… You say love is love but then you’re not approving of all love??? I don’t think I’d use any word other than “love” to describe how I feel when my boyfriend and I are together.

      I hope I wrote this in such a way that it doesn’t come across as attacking you – I’m just curious why some people disapprove of homosexuality since, obviously, I’m not one of them.

      1. No you are fine I don’t consider you attacking me at all. I am interested for your side too.

        Honestly I couldn’t give you advice on what to do next. It is up to you if you believe Jesus is real, died for your sins and you accept him into your heart. Then and only then could you work on what you needed.

        Becoming a Christian doesn’t mean you don’t have struggles or temptations. I was tempted when I was younger to become bisexual. I pursued a sexual relationship with an attractive woman.

        I regretted it as soon as I sobered up from the alcohol the next day. I later found out that through the abuse of my mother, who didn’t allow me to be feminine, I was acting out.

        It is a hard balance and I don’t have all the answers. All I know is if you give your life to Jesus because you know how much he loves you- he makes all things possible.

        I disapprove of homosexuality because God says it is wrong. I feel it is not natural, it is not normal. Now that is the extent of it. I don’t go on and on about it, I don’t protest, I don’t hate on others who have that kind of lifestyle.

        I am an open and honest person. I don’t agree with it. Just like for example, I strongly disagree with drug use. Now my cousin died from an OD just last year, he was 30.

        I despise drugs but I never treated him differently then how I would want to be treated. He knew I didn’t support it and that was the extent of it.

        1. Thanks for taking the time to write back! I used to believe in God until I realized I was gay and then decided that continuing to be religious would only make me feel guilt for something I shouldn’t feel guilt for. I was never one to view my sexual orientation as a flaw or as something that I should try to change.

          Of course, that wasn’t the only reason I began to question my faith. But it was the one that kick-started me exploring what I really believed and what I only thought I believed because it was all that I knew. (Born and raised in a Catholic family.)

          Had I chosen to be gay, maybe I’d feel differently. I’m pretty certain there is some pre-determination of orientation as looking back on life, my kindergarten teacher and family friends were able to accurately predict that I would be gay. I didn’t know myself until much later in life. Even then, I had doubts and took a whole year to validate what I was discovering.

          There has to be more to it and science is already showing that homosexuality is actually much more natural than many of us previously thought.

          1. I feel bad that your family and teachers put that label on you so early on. So you were Catholic until you felt guilt? Is that right? Interesting story. I can totally understand how if you believe it is natural and genetic or pre-determined that it is something you can’t change. Unfortunately I do not believe that. What made you doubt it in that year’s time?

  2. “I really can’t function if I know my mom disapproves of what I am doing.”

    One day, Rocky, you will look back upon that statement and say, WTF. Where was my ‘self?’

    You are you and your mom is your mom. You are not on this planet to please her. You are here to live your life and your choices, fully.

    1. I know, Eric, you’re absolutely right. Even now, I already recognize how silly it was so say such a thing. But please understand the challenge of going 18 years with my mother’s FULL love and support.. to suddenly feeling like she can’t even look at me. There is so much tension and awkwardness now. It’s a very unsettling position to be in.

      1. I do understand. More than you can imagine, which places me in the comfortable position of getting in your face about this. I get “unsettling” but it’s not worth you or your mother’s stress and angst. You will always have your mother’s FULL love. She simply needs time and space in which to process this newness. 🙂 In the meantime, be and revel in the moment. Your moments.

  3. georget086

    I’m sorry your parents aren’t dealing with your coming out very well. Maybe they just need time. Maybe they’re worried you’ll be treated poorly because you’re gay? I hope they come to terms with it, I’d hate you to feel like you’d have to hide part of yourself from them 🙂

  4. Many people have gone through this, but I want to tell you that it will get better. It’s just hard to see it right now. Your parents had expectations for you that have now been shattered, but it has nothing to do with you, but the heteronormative mores that your mother especially has simply accepted. It does get better. I know that sounds cliche but understand that your mom is in mourning, but she will see the other side. I promise. I wrote an article not too long ago about my own experiences that you might find helpful. http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/facts-and-arguments/when-i-was-growing-up-gay-even-my-teachers-had-fun-tormenting-me/article14577963/ I’m going to send you more information later that I hope will help. Don’t give up. Have faith.

    1. Thanks for the insight and for sharing your article with me. I’m sorry to hear about what you went through but I’m glad you found yourself along the way and made an important discovery at the end. I really appreciate you taking the time to provide guidance and suggestions to me during this crazy stage in my life.

      1. TheMachete

        I understand you. It seems like your mother can’t accept you for who you are and this just shows that she does not truly accept LGB people. For if she did truly accept LGB people, she would not try to change you to be heterosexual even if she could.

        Personally, I think her inability to accept you, her persistent desire to change you by insisting that you have not met the right girl yet will put a strain on your relationship. If you can’t deal with her now and if she doesn’t accept you in a few years time, then I think you should slowly distance yourself from her.

  5. I hope everything works out between you and your mom. I’m not a particularly religious person but I do believe there is a God. I believe that religion and faith should accept and embrace all types of diversity.
    I hope you stay true to who you are, and know that coming out to your family was a brave and courageous action. Your mother must see how much happier you are now since you’ve come out. She certainly wouldn’t expect herself to deny her own sexuality if another family member disapproved.
    And if being gay is so wrong, why are there millions of homosexual men and women in the world today? Is it wrongful and a sin? Nope.
    I cannot imagine how difficult this time is for you. But on the bright side, it sounds like your father and sister are huge supporters of you. 🙂

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