My mind is SPINNING.
I do not know how to handle my mom anymore. I do nothing but try my best in all that I do only to find myself finally falling in love and paying the price.
Was coming out to my parents earlier this year worth it? Now, I’m not so sure.
Prior to coming out, everything seemed all peachy keen. I rarely fought with my parents and as far as they were concerned, everything was A-OK. Sure, I felt guilty because I knew I was hiding part of my identity from them but it didn’t feel like a significant part of my life yet so I didn’t mind keeping it to myself for some time.
When I realized I was only making things harder on myself by delaying coming out, I made the decision to speak out. After telling my parents the truth about me being gay, things escalated but simmered back down once I had gone back to college.
It wasn’t until I FINALLY started dating a guy five weeks ago that I’m finally seeing my own mom’s true colors.
My parents and I jive pretty well. I rarely give them any reason to be mad at me so I’m used to us coexisting and living together well. Growing up, I made sure to play by their rules, always making sure to respect myself, and treat those around me how I’d want to be treated. For no reason other than that it felt like the right thing to do.
Looking back on my life, I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished so far and I’m satisfied with where I stand today. I have flaws just like anyone else but I’ve learned to always look for the silver lining in the situations I find myself in. However, this is one point in my life where I’m at a TOTAL loss. Quite honestly, I think it kind of sucks that I’m in my first relationship – basically at the age 19 – SOPHOMORE YEAR OF COLLEGE – (friends having been dating for YEARS) and I’m still getting heat from my mom just because my special someone happens to be a guy and not a girl.
Dating was never much of a priority for me. It always felt like something I wanted to put off since I knew it would be so stressful and complicated once I finally started. In fact, my parents wanted me to date (a girl, of course) and would encourage me to but I still refused mostly because I had other priorities at the stage of my life I was at. Even during my freshman year of college, I stayed focused as I didn’t want to get caught up in anything that could make me lose sight of what I felt I was ultimately working towards. Goals are goals and they become meaningless once you lose sight of them.
Now here I am. I’ve finally found a guy I REALLY like and I’m putting up with so much from my mom. (I KNOW SHE MEANS WELL… and I love her…. but I am so UPSET over how this is unfolding.) My dad and my sister are cool with everything so there’s no problem there but I really can’t operate or function properly if I know my own mom disapproves of my life. Just the other night, she seriously entertained the possibility of having me move out because she doesn’t want to “see it.” She literally said (and I don’t know if this makes sense) “Seeing you is making it harder and harder for me to stay in denial.” Like what? Are you kidding me..?
So everything I’ve ever done up to this point doesn’t matter now? One decision she doesn’t agree with and it’s easier to just cut me out of your life? What the fuck kind of society do we live in that we’ve created such a toxic position on such a matter. I really hope this doesn’t foreshadow my future.
The stuff I’ve been putting up with. I used to love being home but these past few weeks have been so devastating. (Good thing I AM moving out and going back to Rutgers soon.)
I’m not trying to be rebellious. I’m certainly not trying to upset anyone. I’m just doing what feels right.