How Do My Parents Not Know I’m Gay

A question most gay guys spend a decent amount of time thinking about is the mystery of whether or not their parents know they’re gay. I’m sure some guys think their must parents must know. Some must feel it’s so obvious it doesn’t even need to be spoken aloud. Others have already taken the steps to come out and know that their parents know. There are also those who think their parents suspect something but aren’t sure how much they know. And then there are people like me.

I’m in a slightly different boat: I have pretty good reason to believe my parents do NOT know.

I have a hard time wrapping my head around that. How can they not tell?

I don’t think it is very hard to tell. As much as I hate stereotypes, they always have some truth to them.

Growing up, I hated sports. My parents encouraged me to play them and would sign me up for this and that, but they both discovered with me that I didn’t enjoy any of them. I tried baseball, basketball, soccer, bowling, tennis, fencing, you name it. Hated them all. I remember sitting in the dug outs thinking about how I didn’t fit in with all of the guys. I remember thinking about how out of place I felt. I didn’t belong on the field.

I was always more of the artistic type. I loved to draw and I still do! My #1 items on every Christmas list was always some kind of art supply.

A good majority of my friends are girls. It’s been that way since Kindergarten. I hung out with a few guys in elementary school but that was when kids were kids and anyone could play with anyone. In middle school, it became more of a challenge.

I’ve had highlights in my hair since age 5, no joke.

Oh, and I’ve never had a girlfriend! Most guys I know started dating girls in like 6th grade. I’m now a freshman in college.

COME ON NOW, REALLY, NOT EVEN A SLIGHT SUSPICION?

I remember I told my mom I was straight when I was in the 7th grade but could she really be holding on to that to this day? I didn’t even know I liked guys back then!

I’ve been told I don’t sound all that “gay” so that makes being able to tell a little trickier.

I put a lot of thought into my outfits and I guess my parents have interpreted that as me simply caring about how I dress. Which is actually the truth. It’s perceived as a gay characteristic but to me, it’s just who I am.

My mom still tells me how I’m so sensitive and when my first girlfriend breaks up with me I’m going to cry and cry and cry. I wish I could tell her about my last relationship and let her know that I actually wasn’t all that heartbroken at all… in fact, I was relieved.

My younger sister is on a constant mission to figure out my “type.” In fact, this Thanksgiving weekend, she found a picture of a girl hugging a goose with a heart drawn around her on my laptop. It was the profile picture of a girl I met online seven years ago but my sister INSISTED it was my girlfriend… Lol yeah okay.

My dad was Black Friday shopping with me yesterday and I told him how a guy behind me in line at American Eagle told me he likes my pants and wanted to know where they came from. My dad, being a wise guy, was like, “Wait, was it a guy or a girl that said that?” I looked at him, knowing EXACTLY where this was going, and played it off by saying, “A guy… these are guys’ pants I’m wearing,” and he goes, “Well if it were a girl, you’re supposed to ask her if she likes the pants or what’s in them.” OK PLEASE NOTE: My Dad’s not a creep – this is just gross guy-humor that I think most men find funny but I looked at him and said, “Ew Dad, please stop haha” and he goes, “Oh boy, we’ve got some serious work to do with you.” I gave him a chuckle, smiled, and looked away to wince. Love my dad but hate these moments.

I can’t believe it. I’m 18, I basically make no effort to hide my sexuality, and yet my parents still couldn’t be any less aware.
I guess at some point I will have to come right out and tell them the truth. I HATE that it will have to be such a shock.

UPDATE: I came out to them on Easter and they were shocked. Check out my post!

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22 Comments

  1. I spent many hours agonising whether my parents knew or not. They always thought I would end up with my best mate (a girl). I guess in the end they just see what they want to see. I really don’t think my parents knew for a long time. It didn’t make a difference when they did find out. I hope it is not something that you are worried about.

      1. I know. Who would feel comfortable talking to their parents about who they want to sleep with? It’s never easy, I know, but it is always worth it. People I least expected to be okay with it really surprised me. I’m sure all any parent wants is their kids to be happy.

    1. Juan DC

      They love you. They know you. They just probably know how they will going to react once you finally pop it up.
      It sounds like they are practicing themselves accepting the fact that you have accepted yourself as you are. And at the same time, testing you how much you know about yourself and if you will still change to becoming straight.

      Bottom of this, they know who you are, even if you don’t tell them. You have a good relationship with them.

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  3. Maybe they do know but they are faking it thinking it’s just a phase you are going through, lol. Ignorance is bliss, right?

    I was over my daughter’s house recently watching my 6-year-old granddaughter play with her little, male friend. We were watching him and her play with dolls. My daughter told me the little boy’s mother is worried that he is going to be gay when he grows up, because of his fascination with dolls. I thought it was funny because the little boy talked like he hangs out in a tough, Chicago neighborhood, and acts totally straight.

    My point is that sometimes we only see what we want to see. Your parents probably do see tipoffs about your sexuality, but refuse to validate it over your one or two, straight characteristics (like your manly voice.)

    Everyone else and yourself may see you as the little boy with the dolls, but your parents see you as a manly stud.

    I wouldn’t fret over it. Be yourself and let them choose the time to come out of their own “closet of denial” when they feel comfortable with it. ?

    1. Hi Joseph!

      Thank you for your insightful comment! I think you’re absolutely correct about parents sometimes holding onto one or two “straight” characteristics in order to ignore the many other signs that could lead them to think otherwise. It would make sense on a psychological level.

      Thanks for sharing!

  4. Kaitlyn

    I came out to my mom 2 years ago and she still somehow believes that it’s just a phase. I’ve made out with girlfriend after girlfriend in our living room and she’s walked in on that many times, but still says I don’t know what I am. I’ve had sex with a girl and then later with a guy and to be honest the girl was wayyy more enjoyable. I didn’t find myself sexually attracted to the guy with or without his clothes, but the girl had me going crazy with just the look in her gorgeous blue eyes……urg parents are seriously stupid sometimes.

    1. I think it can be difficult for both sides to see things from the other side’s perspective. Maybe your parents just require a longer amount of time to adjust and come around? I hope they eventually accept you and your partner for who you are.

      1. It seems to me like Kaitlyn was simply trying to share her experience with her parents. It’s not really a situation to be deemed either good or bad since it really depends on the lens you’re looking through.

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  6. Spidy doc

    Hey I had to tell my parents and they didn’t believe me and my friend was all u have to tell them. It was clear to one girl I hang with she had to point out I was gay. I was terrified not knowing.

  7. chad

    Parents dont look for that im gay i have kids my parents dont know theyve found my clothes i wear womens clothing my dad practicly walked in on me doing something with a friend

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